The Canvas Grey

Inspiration, Perspective, Insight

Miracles … DEAD OR ALIVE?

Posted by TheCanvasGrey on April 18, 2007

Miracles … Dead or Alive?  Part One

The unknown is a place where one can become overwhelmed or find out who they really are as a human being.   The unknown can be exciting or scary and at times both.  Ever been on a roller coaster or in a haunted house at Halloween?  Now I’ve found another truth about the unknown; for me it can be a place were real miracles can happen. 

I was in the unknown zone for the past two month.  I’ve been having some health issues. My GI found problems and my knowledge for four days was based on “something on the ovary, spots on the liver and something wrong with a bone in my right hip.”   My GI doctor was so very supportive and sweet but in his tone and continuous apologies I knew that there was SOMETHING.  I embarked upon the four longest days of my life so far.  Testing had begun for ovarian cancer.

I am an optimist/realist. I knew that 75% of ovarian cancer patients didn’t make it.  I knew there were survivors out there and wonderful things being done everyday in treatment.  I approached it with all the strength I generally do in crisis.  I am someone you want around in a crisis.  I’ve been in several with friends and family.  I’m always amazed at my own composure and thought process after everything is said and done.  I was hoping I could do for myself what I had done for others.

Since I realized I had absolutely NO control over the outcome of the tests I broached an army of support.  I called and emailed everyone I knew to pray, think, send vibes, whatever and however they could imagine that the outcome of things would be good.  I didn’t ask for a miracle and never expected one.  All I wanted was for it to be something I could survive no matter what it was; something that wouldn’t take me away from my family, my kids.

Those were the longest days of my life…THANKFULLY!   I got to kiss and hug my boys more, think of things I’d do if I had a short period of time (for me 5 years is short), and face my own mortal self.  I was thankful that I got out of Mary Kay and had only time to spend.  I was thankful that I was here, with my family.  I wept occasionally but always controlled, soft and gentle.  It was difficult to comprehend that my life may be coming to an end much, much sooner than anticipated and with so many things to do and left undone.  But then the realist in me knows this happens everyday around the world.

On the third day after this life altering announcement I went to have an ultrasound on the ovary that was suspicious.  Afterwards I lay upon the bed.  I was tired.  I was also found anemic and the iron supplement hadn’t kicked in yet.  So laying there resting, trying to find a way to catch up on my sleep I felt a very strange sensation in my abdomen.  Immediately I remembered what a friend had said about being surrounded in blue light in her email.  It was comforting and I actually drifted off to sleep for about an hour. 

The fourth day was unremarkable until after I picked up my oldest from school.  The kids were playing in the backyard.  The sun was out and I was sitting watching them on the swing (pure enjoyment).  Something in the left side of my brain made a popping sound and I felt something like a seed bursting or a grape being squashed and the contents pushing out into my brain.  I thought how odd.  Of course I thought stroke, but I could talk and move.  My mind turned to thoughts of cancer and that this may have been cancer cells making their presence known in my brain.  Then there was a warm feeling of liquid that flowed just under the skin of my left cheek and nose.  It seemed to end in the left shoulder.  I tasted something medicinal in my mouth.  I knew it could be a stroke and called my husband to come home.  I called a dear friend who was a nurse to confer about this event.  She said it sounded strange but agreed that with everything else going on I should go to the ER.  As we arrived at the ER I turned to my kids and asked them to look at me.  I looked deep into their eyes and told them I loved them.  I kissed my husband and told him the same.  I knew it was a possibility I would not see or tell them that again.  In that moment I was stronger than I’ve ever been in my life. 

In the ER my normally low blood pressure was sky high.  I looked and felt pretty calm considering all that was going on but apparently I wasn’t.  I was shocked and thought this must be evidence of a stroke.  I was very glad my husband had taken the kids to have dinner.  I didn’t want him worried anymore than he needed to be, for himself and the kids.

As I walked back to my ER room, my adventurous self over took all other concerns.  My sense of humor over took me.  Dr. McDreamy walked into my ER room.  “Oh God” I thought, “You’ve sent me Dr. McDreamy because I won’t get to see my family again… OK…GGGGGRRREAT, thanks I think… OK … I’m going to enjoy it as much as I CAN!”  Giving up control and looking to find the best of what I had.  I really amazed myself!  After all, I am Ms. IN Control!  I didn’t know I had this in me, to release control and have fun during such a time.  As I swooned out words to Dr. McDreamy he told me all this sounded very odd.  He sent me for tests.  He sent me the perfect, lively, nurse, my age and cut from the same swatch of character and a jokester.  I found solace in her every visit to my room.  We joked and talked about finding love late in life.  Again, God sent me an angel nurse to help me in my last hours.  ***Laughing out loud***   I can laugh now because it seems so dramatic to me to think in this way.  AT THE TIME, NOT SO DRAMATIC!!!!   I was taking it seriously in the funniest way I could.  I was determined that I would never leave this life in anything but a good frame of mind, if at all possible.

After all the testing was done my angel nurse came in to inject something.  “Oh, this will just make you drowsy and you will get some sleep later” she cooed.  Oh wow, GREAT I thought, I hadn’t slept much in the last four days.  She left.  The drug started to make me woozy…my eyes crossed…very woozy… wild and random thoughts went through my mind and my blood pressure went up.  I called to the nurse with no response.  I became frightened.  My arms started to shake.  “Get a grip, get a grip,” I told myself.  I tried to concentrate on bringing my blood pressure down with deep breathing with not much luck.  Random thought, “They don’t want to tell me how bad it is and they are putting me under for surgery!”  My entire body shook in spasms, especially my legs.  I realized it was my fight or flight panic response, I’ve had it about three times in my life.  Random thoughts, I am so alone; I am the only one who is experiencing this; I’m completely alone.  In death, I will be completely alone.  I was calmed.  If this is how it would be, then okay.  Is this what they speak of as “sweet release?” (OK I know it isn’t but thought a little comic relief was needed.)  I knew I wouldn’t be in pain.  I believed I would be somewhere with God.  If this was to be, then I will go in peace.  Just look out for my family.  I’m no longer in control.

***SNORT***   I awoke to my own snort!  What the???  I just dropped off to sleep. AND I WOKE MYSELF BY SNORTING!!!  How unladylike!!!!  I hoped that Dr. McDreamy hadn’t heard that!!!!!  It felt good to chuckle to myself.  In he came, on cue, to tell me that everything checked out fine.  He said this is still a puzzle and to see my regular doctor as soon as possible.  My nurse and I parted saying that it was a pleasure…and it was, at least the meeting her part!



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