The Canvas Grey

Inspiration, Perspective, Insight

How to Stay Stressed!!!

Posted by TheCanvasGrey on August 23, 2007

I’m digging through papers and came across this gem.  Don’t know who to credit for touching my funny bone with the honest truth!  

How to Stay Stressed!!!

Take plenty of stimulants!  If coffee in the morning isn’t your thing, just have a couple of colas.  If you’re not sure whether your current stimulant intake is sufficient to stay stressed try alternating days with you favorite stimulants and then go without for a week.  That simple test should tell you if you need to increase the dosage.

Avoid religious or “woo-woo” practices!  Ignore all the claims and improbable research suggesting that anything resembling meditation, yoga, deep breathing, praying or stretch classes can help you.

Get rid of your social support system!  Let people know in no uncertain terms that your career comes first.  Friendships are something you can be concerned with only IF you have time and you NEVER have time.

Personalize all criticisms!  Don’t waste time trying to listen objectively or ask questions to clarify their meaning.  Be offended right off the bat!

Throw out your sense of humor!  Staying stressed is no laughing matter.  Humor gives you distance from your problems and make a creative solution more likely.  Laughter is even rumored to have positive effects on the body, avoid it!

Be in control!  Never weaken and ask for help.  If you want it done right, do it yourself.  In fact, just to be safe, have that tattooed on some part of your body where you can look at it daily.  

Become a workaholic!  Work late every evening and take work home on the weekends.  Keep your work cell phone in hand at all times.  Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

Forget good time management!  You can put a lot more pressure on yourself if you will just do the little things first and worry about the big ones whenever you the a chance; do projects in whatever order feels good; be constantly available to everyone no matter what time of the day or night; let everyone else come first.

Avoid setting personal or career goals!  If you’re naïve enough to set goals you run the risk of putting your job or your life into perspective.

Procrastinate!  There’s certainly no good adrenalin rush to be had from getting started early on a project.

Worry about things you can’t control!  You know, the stock market, sun spots, the approaching ice age or melt-down (depending upon which side of the fence you’re on)…the really big issues.

Change things!  And not just a few things either, change everything you can, as often as you can.

Keep working!  No matter what your symptoms, no matter how you feel, no matter how your performance is suffering, keep working!  Besides, you want everyone to know, pity is a powerful stress buddy.

In conclusion:  Become a perfectionist by any methods you can; set impossibly high personal standards, don’t let anything get in the way of trying to meet them (friends, family, weddings, funerals, anything) THEN beat yourself up when you don’t meet those high standards, feel guilty, depressed, discourage, inadequate and generally down on yourself.  In other words, be as nasty to yourself and everyone around you…because you are stressed!

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